Realistic times, that seem unrealistic.

I knew I was overdue for a blog, but I just didn’t know what to write about. 

I kept thinking and thinking of what I could write about, and I could not decide on one thing. I had many thoughts on what to write about, but none of them seemed to fit my mood for what I wanted to write about. 

I looked around, thought some more and I soon got a spark. 

I had an idea!

I’m going to write about how important peoples’ words mean to me. 

Growing up, I would come home from school and be really upset because “my friend called me stupid” or “they said they didn’t like my shirt I had on.” 

I usually always got the response I’m sure everyone has heard “ Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt.” I don’t necessarily agree with that statement. Words do leave an impact on people, whether they are nice words, or hurtful words, it will always leave an impact. As I grow up, I realize that more, and I always think of that before I say something. 

As I’ve heard hurtful words, and phrases I’ve come to the realization that some of those words and phrases leave an impact on how I do day-to-day activities. It’s affected how I grow, because I was flooded with hurtful words, phrases and attention. Don’t get me wrong, there were good times.  It wasn’t all bad, but the majority of it was. As a kid, I thought it was normal.  I thought it was normal to get told more times than not that I was a disappointment.  “No wonder you got sent back to Ontario.” I was told that I didn’t deserve any good in life.  “The way you’re acting is gonna get you nowhere, because you don’t deserve it.” I was told that what I’ve done to select people is garbage.   “How you treated them is so rude, disrespectful and disgusting.” They told me to go back in my room because nobody wants to see me “just go back in your room Sarah, get out of my face, nobody wants to see your disgusting face.” It all felt normal because my parents were talking to me that way. Every time I got told I was a disappointment, I would agree. I would always take the blame, and blame myself. Those words hurt me, and still hurt me to this day. 

It’s caused me to suffer from mental health.  It’s caused me to do things I wish I never did. 

It changed who I am now, and it’s changed my view on life. I used to think I was the little girl who thought that I could always run around in pj’s, play with toys, have naps, and roll on my tummy as a little kid. But then I realized that a baby couldn’t do wrong. 

I realized I was growing up. It was a hard way to learn, but I realized it. 

To this day, I still blame myself.  I say sorry even if I did nothing wrong.  I put everybody else in front of me because that’s how I was brought up as a child. 

I’m now fifteen.  I’ve had to make some life-changing decisions. With all those hurtful words I never thought that I could get out of that mindset that I was a disappointment and that I couldn’t get any good in life. 

Lately, my mental health has been very poor, caused from hurtful words, hurtful actions, upsetting mindsets, abandonment, and manipulation.

If you know me super well, you would know that I’ve started living with my grandparents again. 

When I first got there, I was a mess. I didn’t know how much more I could take.  I was really truly a mess. 

As I have a wonderful support system to help me navigate through these huge traumatic situations, I’ve experienced good words and phrases… some have really stuck with me:

“You cannot change what they think, they will think what they want to think.” 

“You are so incredibly strong Sarah!” 

“You are worth more than you realize, we are always here for you, we love you”

I have a counsellor, who is helping me with these big things. She always makes sure to assure me that what I have experienced is not and was not normal. 

It’s been like three months and I’m still living with nanny and grandpa. I’ve come to realization that those hurtful words, and actions have shaped me to who I am today, but has also helped me to know how not to treat people more in depth. 

Those hurtful words, actions, and phrases have left an impact on me, good and bad and I’m here to admit that that was not fair, but I appreciate the lesson. 

A question I always got asked was how are you doing? I would typically respond with, “I’m good, I’m doing well”  I now realize that it was a normal response for someone trapped in a bad situation. Unfortunately, I was scared and felt like I couldn’t trust anybody to say how I was really feeling. For a long time I suffered alone.  Now I’m getting help, and I’m getting the help I need with support. 

It wasn’t easy.  It involved lots of cries, angry moments, sick feelings, and severe headaches. 

If I could go back and give advice to my younger self, I would tell her to say how she was really feeling and say what was really happening. 

As I am in a safe place, I realize that I’m getting the help, and I realize that I’m going to overcome what I went through as a child, that I’m going to come out and be stronger than ever. I realize my siblings aren’t getting the help they need, but I know right now as much as it’s hard for me to hear, it only causes me more stress to worry about them. 

From experience, children typically stay quiet about traumatic events, their thoughts, mental health, and just try to shake everything off,  is not healthy. I always hid my true feelings. 

I was always told, to not worry about it, that it would be okay one day. 

I’m saying no! That it is not healthy to keep it in. 

We never know what other people are going through. 

Which means lots of kids are staying quiet and are scared to ask for help. 

 

Kind words, thoughts, and actions can go a long way. 

This was me struggling, with no help!

This is me now, becoming a better, stronger person for my friends and family!

Never be afraid to ask for help. 

Kind words go along way!

It only takes two seconds to compliment someone!